Returning to work

I’m filled with anxiety these days… After a year of being on disability leave I’m going back to work! It’s been a struggle just to negotiate getting back but I have a plan and I need to try… I still struggle and I’m still trying to find my new normal coping strategies.

I think the biggest thing is that I so desperately need this work. I need to be able to get back to work and stay at work. I’ve had so much stripped away from me dreams, hopes etc, that I just really need to be able to work.

I had a great talk with a close friend last night who actually we were coworkers first. Back in the day when we worked together I was actually her boss. She wound up getting a great opportunity elsewhere and our friendship really took off after. I’m very blessed to have her as a friend. Although her struggles are nothing like mine we have a kinship and understanding that is sometimes rare to find. I was expressing my anxieties about returning to work as I will have a new boss March 2nd (my anticipated return date). My insurance case worker, doctors, and I have been working together to make a graduated integration back into work. My friend used to work under my new boss so I asked her would my new boss be able to understand? Is she patient?

I was glad to find out that it looks like me and my new boss are quite similar in our working habits. I’ve always had a good relationship with her but have never directly worked with her before. As I’m preparing to go back to work I keep having to overcome feelings of anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, and stressed at the changes to my finances. It is going to be super tight, it’s going to be hard. Slowly I’m starting to put the supports in place and get detailed plan together.

It’s funny because things most people wouldn’t think about I have to. Parking… where will I park can I afford it. Does it have stairs? How far of a walk is it. Is my new cubical near a washroom. Will my new boss be supportive and understanding on the days where I just can’t get into work? Will my coworkers be supportive?

Is my plan to ambitious? Too fast? What if it doesn’t work out… what if what if what if…

 

I hate the question what if… it’s the question that leads my brain into a tail spin of things I just can’t control. I have to remind myself I need to take it one day at a time. Don’t push myself (which is going to be harder than I think).

It’s funny because I am extremely happy that I’m going back. I’ve been wanting this for a while. I’m getting better with handling my anxiety about it too… but I still come face to face some nights with sheer terror of returning and failing.. because at the end of the day that’s what I’m afraid of. What if I get back to only find out that I can’t do it… because I need to be able to do it. I need to be able to work and feel productive. I need to return to something I was and hopefully still am extremely good at. I love my job, and I was very very good at my job…

So next month I’m jumping back in and trying to get my life back. Enough is enough and somehow I have to find a way to live with my new normal. My unpredictable, crazy tired and in pain, normal.